I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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