Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
