Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
