I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
