I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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