I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
