I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
