Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
