You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
