From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
