Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
