please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love having hate sex.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
