Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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