So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
