I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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