If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
did i just pee glitter
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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