Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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