tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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