I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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