hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
