I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
