glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
