He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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