so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
