So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
