Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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