My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
