does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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