okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?