Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
