i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I stole a fireplace last night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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