i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
