don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
