So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
