I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
