not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
