I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just forgot I was standing up.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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