dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
