smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
