His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
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I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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