It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
