I think I won the penis lottery.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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