Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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