Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
