I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
