guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
