Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
