dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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