Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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