god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
