Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
