so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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