I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
