I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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