I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She bit a glass in half.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
