weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
