Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
