So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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