I have demons in me.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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